When Auggie was 7 weeks old, he slept on my head. I could feel his breath on my nose as he draped over my forehead. Once, when he was a puppy, he emerged from my bedroom wearing my underwear. I don't know how he got them on the right way but it proved he was mine because it made me laugh so much.

I just got Auggie's ashes. They were in a cookie tin. I was expecting something more dignified. Soon I was laughing because Auggie had such a good sense of humor and he did love cookies of the doggie variety. Those ashes are my heart and I want him back.

When he was a pup, I took him to puppy training class. He did fine. I wasn't able to keep from wanting to pet all the other puppies so we were dropouts. I hired a private trainer because he was my first dog and I was afraid of having a fairly big dog who was out of control. We had one lesson and he got it. I always called him the world's first perfect dog. He just seemed to know what to do in any situation. He trained himself. I was amazed that even though he was allowed on the furniture at home, he would never get on the furniture in other people's homes. I can't imagine how he knew that.

We could always read each others minds. He was easy to predict because he was so pure in thought. He was guileless. He had no guile. I could predict his every move because his heart was open and honest.

He never barked unless he wanted to go out and relieve himself or if you asked him a question. In one neighborhood in California, he was known as “The dog who didn't bark” because as my neighbors walked up the street, every dog except Auggie barked at them.

Auggie never met a person, dog or any living thing that he didn't love or at least respect. He never showed aggression. He was pure love and acceptance. I don't know how I got so lucky.

I always wanted a dog that was so well behaved that I could take him anywhere. Auggie was that dog. He loved going to the Plaza in downtown Santa Fe. I would give him a bath so that he looked his best and smelled good. The people who owned the small shops welcomed dogs and usually had water and treats for them. So many treats that I would eventually have to start turning them down. We walked into one shop and I asked if he could go in with me. The salesperson said that it would be fine as long as he didn't pee on the floor. I told her that I was more likely to pee on the floor because I knew Auggie would never do that. She said that she would keep an eye on me then. The Plaza was filled with tourists and they always flocked to Auggie. They wanted to pet him and love on him because he had the sweetest expression and tourists were always missing their dogs that they left at home. They needed a dog fix and since Auggie could never get too much attention, it worked out perfectly.

The world's first perfect dog.

I would have been appalled and horrified if Auggie had ever chased or been hostile to another living creature. He never did. I don't know if it was because I screamed when he did that as a puppy. I don't remember but I know that he never chased any creature. I never had to worry about him when we were hiking because he would be still and patient as a large snake crossed our path. He wouldn't even raise his head as a lizard passed within inches of his face as he lay in the driveway. One day, he led me into the the garage where there were 2 baby bunnies, not old enough to be afraid of us. They were wet so I knew that he had been licking them.

When it was time for Auggie to be neutered, I took him to the vet but, before he went into surgery, I asked the vet if he was sure we were doing the right thing. I pointed out how perfect this puppy was and maybe he should be bred to pass on his remarkably perfect genes. The vet gently convinced me that Auggie should be fixed for a variety of reasons. This was my first dog and I wanted to be a responsible dog owner so I agreed and Auggie was fixed. Three years later, when I was about to move from California to New Mexico, I asked for a copy of Auggie's vet records so that I could give them to his new vet when we got to our new home. As I read them, I came across the vet's notes for that day when Auggie was fixed. The vet noted “The owner thinks that her dog is perfect but he has a bad coat.” When I read that, I laughed until tears rolled down my face. On that day of Auggie's neutering, the vet apparently thought that I was a nut case or at least delusional about just how perfect Auggie was. So much so that he didn't even want to tell me the truth.

Auggie's fur was unusually soft and most people commented on it. One man said that he felt like a rabbit. If anything, the standard should be changed and Auggie's coat should be the ideal.

Therapy

I knew that Auggie would make a great therapy dog because he was so tolerant. Not a mean bone in his body and he knew the word “sorry” from all the times I accidentally stepped on him. When he was tested for temperament in order to join the pet therapy program, one of the tests was to be petted, poked and grabbed by children who were strangers to him. One of the little actors who would test him ran into the room, slipped and accidentally kicked Auggie in the face while he lay on the floor. Auggie didn't budge. It never would have occurred to him that someone would purposely hurt him. Needless to say, he passed the test and had a long career providing pet therapy to people in nursing homes, hospitals and juvenile detention centers. I never taught Auggie what to do at the nursing homes and hospitals. He just knew.

Our favorite facility was a home for developmentally disabled adults. As a group, they were generally happy, loving and free from the inhibitions that keep most people from laying on the floor with the dogs while they talk to them and shower them with love and affection. Each week, the clients looked forward to Auggie's visits. They wrote poems and drew pictures of Auggie for me. They loved him and he loved visiting them. One of their favorite things was getting Auggie to bark. They were only allowed to do it right before we left for the day. I taught them the secret for getting Auggie to bark because he only barked for two reasons. One, if he had to go out and relieve himself and two, if you asked him a question. It could be any question but one, in particular always worked...”Do you wanna?” He was always up for anything. What a sport! The clients would all start chanting “Do you wanna?” and Auggie barked. The clients laughed and laughed and then we'd leave.

One day, Auggie went over to a young man and lay next to him on the ground. The man had a long conversation with Auggie. When I noticed that the nurses were in tears, they explained that it was the first time that the client had spoken and smiled since he was admitted a month earlier. Auggie made him feel important and comfortable. He felt safe enough to communicate out loud with this calm, accepting, non-judgmental creature.

It wasn't an accident that Auggie chose this man to befriend. I had seen him do the same thing before. He gravitated to the people who needed him most. On our very first trip to a nursing home, we were in a large room full of people in a circle. Most of them were in wheelchairs and Auggie's job was to walk through the room and stop at each person's side while they stroked his soft fur. Sometimes he would lay his head in their lap or make eye contact and perhaps, on rare occasions, lick them. I gave him very little direction. He seemed to know much better than I did how long to stay at someone's side and what type of attention they would like, if any. In the middle of our visit, he started to head for the door and out into the hallway. A few doors down, there was a woman who was very distressed. She was crying and screaming as if she were being tortured. I would imagine that your first days in a nursing home could feel that way. I would also imagine that the crying and screaming would naturally frighten a dog but Auggie walked right into the room and sat beside her wheelchair. As soon as she saw him, she went quiet. Just his presence, had an immediate calming affect on her. No one had to say anything.

When we went to nursing homes, the effect he had on the patients was astounding. As we approached the door and looked in, these elderly people often appeared to be dead. As soon as they saw Auggie, you could see a glow and then a smile and it was obvious that they were remembering so many past experiences with their own dogs who they loved and missed so much. Some who they may have had to surrender when they went into the nursing home. You could watch them come alive and be excited, happy and so grateful to be able to connect to a dog's gentle, accepting and pure spirit.

I wonder why every nursing home and hospital doesn't have a regular group of dogs living there.

His Birthdays

Auggie never cared for hats or anything on his head but he didn't mind at all dressing up. I think he knew how much it amused me, not to mention my mother, who always got photos. Since his birthday was on Halloween, he had plenty of opportunities to indulge that sillier side of my sense of humor. He patiently let me dress him up as a dinosaur or a butterfly or, our favorite Superman. At night, when the Trick or Treaters arrived, he thought that they were coming to celebrate his birthday with him and he rejoiced every time the doorbell rang.

He greeted every visitor the same way. He would run up to them, smell them and then rush off to choose the correct toy to bring back to them. I never knew how he decided which toy to bring. Sometimes it would be two or three toys. They were all called monkeys because his first stuffed toy was a monkey that made very funny monkey sounds. One little trick or treater must have been very tired because he walked right into my house and laid on the floor. Of course, Auggie laid right next to him while he rested.

Active

Auggie loved the water and I would take him often to whatever ocean, lake, river, stream or pond was nearby. I worried about him and was always ready to dive in and save him if he seemed to have a problem. One week, we went to a beautiful area in Northern California where you could rent a cabin. It was very much dog-oriented with acres of land to explore and lots of other dogs to play with. There was a large pond in the middle where people and dogs could swim. As he always did when he saw water, he ran and dove right in. He swam and played with the other dogs for hours.

I constantly watched to make sure that he was O.K. And I was ready to go in after him if he seemed to be drowning. I was a hovering dog mom. One day I decided to swim in the pond so I jumped in and started to swim across. I grew up on the ocean and I'm a very strong swimmer. When I got to the middle of the pond, I saw Auggie swimming quickly towards me. As he reached me, he swam in tight circles around me. Finally, I caught on and grabbed hold of his tail. He swam straight for the shore. At that point, I not only realized that he was watching out for me as I had been watching out for him but he was a much stronger swimmer than I was. We swam together often after that, side by side.

Travel

Because he was so well behaved, he was very well traveled. He spent weeks with me in Malibu being a beach bum and strolling along with me as I collected rocks, shells and driftwood. His face and demeanor exuded love and everyone who saw him had to stop and stroke him, whispering sweet words into his ear.

Whenever we traveled alone, I would pose him in front of the sites while I went back and photographed him. He was a great model. He looked regal in front of the Grand Canyon in spite of his Harley denim jacket.

On a 3 week road trip, Auggie saw the Continental Divide, the incredible national parks in Utah, the desert in Arizona, the wilderness areas near Albuquerque, the charming Santa Fe and the spectacular mountains and lakes near Aspen. Everywhere we went, if there was water, a lake, river, pond, stream, we were there and as soon as Auggie saw the water, he would run and jump right in. He went with me whenever I visited family in Portland, San Francisco or Seattle.

My favorite memories with Auggie

were in San Diego. Every year, for 6 years, Auggie and I went on a “Doggie Vacation”. We drove from Santa Fe to San Diego with a stop overnight in Phoenix. Auggie didn't care where we went or what we did. He just wanted to be with me. He laid in the back seat on his dog bed and I never would have known he was there if I didn't turn around and see his smiling face every once in a while. Since it was summer, I couldn't leave him in the car so we would stop for fast food and park at a rest stop to eat and exercise.

Once in San Diego, we would check into the Ocean Villa Inn, the “dog hotel” which was right on Dog Beach in Ocean Beach. The hotel loves dogs and caters to them. In the front office, there were always treats and the staff was very helpful when it came to recommendations so that the dogs would have the best possible vacation. I'm not sure what Auggie needed a vacation from but it was our favorite time of the year. Our room had sliding doors that led out to a fenced yard where all the dog visitors could socialize and hang out. The run looked out on to Dog Beach.

We had a routine that was just too good to vary from very often. We'd wake up early, have breakfast at the hotel and head out for the beach, a short block away. I'd set up our blanket, stash a fistful of plastic bags in my pocket, camera in my other pocket and a plastic pail for collecting shells and rocks. Auggie headed straight for the ocean to greet the other dogs while giving special attention to their humans. He was a people dog first and people completely loved him back.

We would spend several hours walking up and down the beach, me picking up shells, Auggie meeting and greeting every living thing. We would stop periodically so that I could throw his tennis ball into the ocean and he would run after it, bring it back part of the way so that I could chase them and get some exercise also. He fearlessly dove through the waves to get the ball and swam back, eager to start over again.

His favorite part of the morning was when we were done playing. I would sit on the blanket and give him some water. He would lay next to me with his head in my lap and we would rest. The last year that we went, he was 13 and the play period was much shorter, the lap period much longer, but he still didn't want to leave the beach. On our way out, he stopped and lay with his head in a stranger's lap. He loved the beach.

Sticking to our routine, we walked back to the hotel where he had an outdoor shower and waited in the room while I had an indoor shower. Then, I had a cocktail and we shared popcorn outside on the patio.

After a long rest, we headed out for dinner at Shades restaurant where he could lay near me on the outside patio. The wonderful staff at Shades welcomed dogs and provided water as well as preparing simple meals for Auggie. I would have a “Dog Beach” which was a delicious drink similar to a White Russian but with a special Shades twist. Auggie and I would share a meal and watch the magnificent sunset. All the while he was adored, spoiled and stroked by everyone who walked by.

Our next stop was the ice cream shop where he would enjoy a “doggie” ice cream and be adored some more. We would walk up and down Newport Blvd, where he was welcome in all the stores while I shopped and he was adored.

Back to the hotel, bed and then start over the next day. Always a week or more.

In 2010, we weren't able to travel to Ocean Beach because Auggie was nearly 15 and wasn't up for traveling.

It actually started very early on when Auggie was about 4 years old. He went prematurely gray. It's not so uncommon for a retriever to go gray in the face but when people said “Awwww, how sweet, an old dog.”, it made me angry. He wasn't old and I didn't want to think about him getting old and dying. It seemed so rude because no one would say that about a person. Sometimes, I would be sarcastic and say “Gee, he only has good things to say about you.” When he was 12 or so, he started to show some symptoms of old age. He had finally grown into his white face. My brother thought that he looked like a mime. He slowed down a little.

One day, while we were shopping in Petco, he went down. His legs were splayed out at his sides and he couldn't get up. I was terrified. Of course, it was July 4^th when my vet was closed so I called the emergency vet clinic and told them that I was on my way. Fortunately, he was able to walk after 10 minutes and I got him to the car and quickly got him to the emergency vet's office. They did lots of tests, kept him overnight and their preliminary diagnosis was that he had a large tumor on his intestines. On July 5^th, I took him to his regular vet where he did more testing and confirmed the tumor. He explained that the tumor was malignant and was draining his blood into itself, making him weak and that was why he fell. While these tests were going on, I was sitting in the waiting room sobbing so loudly that the receptionist had to escort me out because, apparently, I was distressing the other clients and their pets. She put me in what they called the“Canary Room” It was a small room with a very large cage full of canaries. They were flitting around, singing and the females were actively making nests for their eggs. I stared at the birds and it worked. I calmed down significantly. It was very soothing.

When Auggie's vet came to get me and explained that Auggie needed immediate surgery to remove the tumor. They let me go in while they administered the anesthetic. I hugged him and sang all of his favorite little songs into his ear. Most of his favorite songs included his name.

The doctors performed the surgery at the Eldorado Animal Clinic in Santa Fe. All of the doctors there are exceptionally knowledgeable and gifted. More than that, they're compassionate and care deeply for their patients. All of the staff there are wonderful. They love all the little critters that need their help and they especially loved Auggie so I was as comforted as I could be knowing that they would do everything that they could to fix him up and give him back to me.

That afternoon, they told me that everything went fine and I picked him up the next day. Two days later, you never would have known that he had major surgery. He was as healthy and active as he always was.

A few months later, I bought a big bird cage and 2 canaries who immediately started making babies until I had a “Canary Room” of my own.

At 13, he no longer wanted to jump up on the sofa and sit with me. He didn't want to jump on the bed and sleep next to me. I was able to get him up there sometimes but it was hard for him. I tried to lift him and sometimes that worked. I got a ramp but he didn't like it. I tried using a lifting device but I think he was afraid of when he would have to jump off of the bed so he preferred to stay on the floor. He went deaf and partially blind. I was happy that I had taught him hand signals when he was a pup. I t came in very handy because of his deafness.

Eventually, he would become disoriented and seemed to not know where he was. He would stare at the wall or suddenly leave my side and look for me in every other room until he found me again right where he had left me. He seemed surprised when he found me again. I was so scared. I knew he was going and I didn't know what I would do without him.

About a year before Auggie died, he decided that he no longer had to do what I said. He suddenly started to take food off of the coffee table. He hadn't done that since he was a little pup. I guess he knew that I wasn't going to reprimand him anymore. He had been so perfect for so long, I couldn't deny him anything at this stage. When I called him to “come”, he blew me off. I didn't care. During the last six months, he became incontinent He tried but he couldn't always make it out the door before dropping a poo. When he was a pup, I would have reprimanded him but now, I told him what a good boy he was. I was happy to see that he didn't seem to be ashamed. He knew how much I loved him unconditionally as he loved me. It was no trouble at all to pick up after him. I just did everything I could to make him feel loved and happy. After all of the love and devotion he showed me. He deserved nothing less from me.

In March of 2010, Auggie went down again. He was on the floor and appeared to just be resting. After a long time, it occurred to me that something might be wrong. I asked him to get up and come outside with me but he didn't move. After more and more pleas for him to get up, he tried but he couldn't do it. I waited a while and then I called a friend to help me get him into the car and to the emergency vet. It was late at night and his vet was closed for the evening.

Lots of tests at the emergency room and they kept him overnight. Once again, there was a tumor. This time it was on his spleen and though it was benign, it had the same effect of draining his blood into itself and making him too weak to stand.

The next day, I took him to the vet and he confirmed the massive tumor. This time Auggie wasn't eligible for surgery because of his age and the size of the tumor. I just needed to be aware that he would occasionally be too weak to stand and wait until the blood was reabsorbed into his body. Keep him comfortable.

Auggie was still happy. He still followed me from room to room as he always did. He tried to play, he ate well but enjoyed treats more than his kibble. He didn't seem to be in distress at all.

On July 3^rd, he lay down next to the sofa where I was. After a while I realized that he couldn't get up. I stayed on the sofa and slept next to him so that I could stroke him and talk to him. The next day was July 4^th and he still wasn't able to get up.

Oddly, it was three years to the day since he first went down in the pet store. Auggie hated the 4^th of July. He was terrified of fireworks. It was so hard to watch him in such distress and I tried everything I could to keep him calm on that night over the years. I rubbed his gums, used pheromones, tranquilizers, covered him in a blanket, turned the TV as loud as it would go, but I usually had to take him for a ride in the car. I don't know if he was anticipating the fear of fireworks because it was too early in the day in 2007 and in 2010, he was too deaf to hear them. Coincidence? I don't know.

Of course, the vet was closed on that 4^th of of July so I just stayed at my post next to Auggie. I was on the floor with him, grooming him and cleaning him with a bucket of soapy water because he couldn't get outside to relieve himself. I just wanted to be as close to him as possible and soak up all of those last loving feelings that he had for me. I hoped that I could absorb enough of him to get me through the next few days. I knew that it was my last chance because I was about to suffer the worst days of my life. I knew that it was over and the day I had fearing for the last couple years was about to happen. I still didn't know what I would do without him but I absolutely knew what I had to do now. I knew because he was shaking and whimpering and he had never done that before. I made two steaks and fed him one of them. Tomorrow I would feed him the other one before I called the vet.

I never had much luck with love in my life. For the 15 years that I had Auggie, he was basically it. Sadly, he was my one and only constant love during those years. Boyfriends came and went. Auggie had several “uncles” during that time. It would be “Auggie, meet Unca this or say goodbye to Unca that, but Auggie was always there. With the exception of a few vacations that I took when I left him with a friend, he was never more than 20 feet from me for almost 15 years. I loved him with all my heart and I was always so grateful that he never faltered in his unconditional love for me. It makes me think of that saying “I wish that I were the person my dog thinks I am.”

On July 5^th, Auggie still hadn't moved so I gave him the last steak and called my vet. Dr Liz Davis came to the house and put him down while I hugged his neck. I kept asking “Is he gone yet as she administered one injection after the other. I wanted it over. I was done and there was nothing more I could give to or get from Auggie. It was over and I just wanted his heart to stop beating so that I would finally find out what I was going to do without him.

Finally, it was over and Dr Davis and the vet tech carried him out the door. As I watched his limp body being carried away, he slipped a little from under the towels that wrapped him. It didn't bother me at all because at that point, it was just a body and was not Auggie at all. Auggie was gone and I felt that to my core. It was over and now I had to deal with my profound loss.

The rest of that day, July 5^th, 2010, I dealt with the details of what had to be done. Cleaning the floor, calling my family and friends but mostly wandering around in a daze.

Later, I found out how I would deal with my loss. I screamed. Several times a day I would scream and sob and wail and beg to have him back. My mourning was so loud that my neighbors felt that they needed to come by to see if I was O.K.. I went as far as to fight off ideas of shooting myself in the head in the remote hope that I would be with him again. Fortunately, I got past those irrational thoughts but the screaming and sobbing continued for quite a while.

Because we were almost always together and because he had so many adventures and quite a full doggy life, I feel like I gave him the best possible life and that is a big comfort for me. Yet, I still wonder if there was more I could have done to make him happy or to prolong his life another year or two. If I'm reading an article about new treatments for arthritis in dogs or new dog foods that are much superior than what was available when Auggie was growing up or new ways to calm dogs with thunder anxiety, It makes me sad and even angry because Auggie couldn't benefit from them. I understand that this makes no sense intellectually and I keep reminding myself of that.

The sad fact is that we generally outlive our pets. Because they are so completely reliant on us for the necessities of life, it's easy to think of them as children and we feel that strong responsibility for providing for them and protecting them. As they say, you're not supposed to outlive your children and outliving your pets also just seems so wrong and unfair.

On September 21, I got Ben.

Ben's a Golden Retriever, like Auggie. He looks just like the Aug when he was a puppy and has the same sweet temperament. I know that everyone is different when it comes to these things, but getting Ben was the best thing I could have ever done. I don't think that I'll ever stop crying when I think of Auggie and I miss him so much, but you just can't ignore a puppy and Ben's constant presence next to me and seeing that same sweet little face looking up at me has helped tremendously.

I named him Benoni Augustus Grace

Benoni - Hebrew - The son of my sorrow. A wonderful name for the dog that you adopt to replace another dog.

Augustus Grace - Augustus John Golden Grace- AKA Auggie

Auggie died on July 5, 2010 and Ben was born on July 6, 2010. Maybe reincarnation takes a day but I think that Auggie got to heaven and asked God to send Ben to me and the next day, Ben was born. I'm not religious but I like that story and it comforts me.

Ben exudes the sweetness of a Golden Retriever but beyond that, he's his own little dog. He's very different from Auggie and has his own charms.